What a treat! I love Sunday mornings in bed with the paper and coffee. Today I love it more than usual. I've been so exhausted. And now I don't move. Yesterday, My Music Man took me to the city to pick out my special V-day present. It was an adventure, to say the least. He wanted to replace my Mont Blanc pen that I broke several years ago. I chose a platinum one this time. It made me think of writing. I know I will write, I just don't know what I will write about. Yes, I like the idea of penning a steamy novel, but I also feel that I want to write for another reason -- one that will inspire and address burning issues in our world. Mostly, I wish for clarity.
The adventure on Saturday's city visit came when we were trying to fix my iPhone at the Apple Store. We spent 3 hours there after which I physically cratered. As 9:00 pm approached, I absolutely felt my body screaming for rest and I was very depressed that I was spending my precious Saturday in a busy Apple Store in a mall in San Francisco. The only good thing was that our son was there and we were happy to see him. We waited till he got off work and went to dinner.
It was a struggle to get home for both of us -- we were both tired from the week. I dozed as My Music Man drove, which was such a gift for me, but very challenging for him.
All this is to say that there is much to say. And do. I don't want to stop. I can't. I want to keep moving forward, to feel that I matter somehow, that my life here is not in vain.
You know, I realized yesterday that I fear death. I fear the end of my life. This is not a new realization. I have sensed this in so many ways, but now I write it down. I don't fear how I will die. I fear that my life will be over. Have you ever been at a party, or with a dear friend or lover and thought "I wish this wouldn't end - ever." That's what I mean. As difficult as life can be, as much stress as I put on myself, I still love this life and I don't want it to end. Even though I believe in my heart that what lies beyond is better. Will I have sex? Will I taste chocolate? Will I feel the touch of a loved one, the smell of my daughter's skin? I don't want it to end. I treasure this life. I do.
In the Mont Blanc store there was a sign and it said this, which says it all for me today:
"The conduct of my life has been, is, and will always be the echo and reflection of my conscience." Arturo Toscanini
